The Journey to Forgiveness

Do I forgive and forget?

Do I forgive… but not forget?

I will not forgive, they do not deserve it.

How can I ever forgive that person.

That person is awful, they will never change and cannot be forgiven.

How do I live the rest of my life with this emotional memory?

I should not have done that. What I did was bad. I don’t feel so good.

I should approach them and apologize. Will they forgive me?

How can they ever forgive me for what I have done?

How do I live the rest of my life with this emotional memory?

If you have lived a certain amount of years, you may have been lied to, misled, treated poorly, been taken advantage of, stolen from, been sexually, physically or emotionally assaulted, bullied or violated in some way or another. You may still be carrying that pain even if the incident happened years ago.

Likewise, you may have been on the other side and acted towards someone in a way that hurt them. Over time you realized what you caused and you are still living with that guilt and regret.

I have been on both sides as the victim and transgressor. I have felt stuck, guilty, frustrated, upset, felt like an asshole and wondered how the experience would get reconciled.

Time and again the path out of these painful human situations is forgiveness.

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The root of forgiveness in latin is “perdonare” meaning to give completely without reservation. The Greek word for it is Aphiemi which implies letting go or to release. In the Webster dictionary the definition is being willing or able to forgive.

In addition it states that forgiveness is allowing for error or weakness. As we all know, none of us are perfect in our behavior. Thus when we make an error towards another or someone has erred against us, forgiving should be the natural action to express in maintaining good human relations.

It all sounds simple enough.

Yet in practice it can be a monumental challenge.

Why is it so difficult?

For the victim to forgive another, one has to move past the emotional pain and see that the other committed the act from a place of ignorance. That the aggressor was not able or willing to see in the moment the harmful effect their actions were inflicting upon them.

Asking for forgiveness can be equally difficult for the transgressor. They must approach the person they have caused pain or suffering to and tell them they are sorry and that they regret what they have done. After asking, they must hope that the victim can search in their heart for understanding. One must also accept that the relationship will never be the same even if they are forgiven, yet going through with this process contributes to the healing of both people.

This forgiving thing sounds messy and hard!

Yet, can forgiving be a superpower that allows you to move past your hurt, trauma and guilt? Can it contribute to a gentler and kinder society and transform us to be better people?

As we look at the state of the world today, suffering and pain is ever present. There are many examples of people experiencing anguish from the deeds of another person or group of people.

At present this includes the wars in Ukraine,Yemen, and Ethiopia to name a few. It also includes abuses along racial lines, sexual gender, police misconduct, modern day slavery and domestic violence. Humanity is also struggling to confront the historical genocide and colonization that has taken place and is laboriously trying to reconcile the inhumane treatment that has been afflicted upon our ancestors from our ancestors.

These transgressions, including many others, are deep wounds in society's fabric. To process all of these broken relationships and bad behavior can be overwhelming which is why it leads people to avoid it. Yet these traumatic experiences live in the psyches of all of us.

However we need to march into forgiveness in a big way, if we want our children, our future descendents and us to experience a collectively bright future on this planet.

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Now I understand that there is a wide spectrum of the acts that humans commit against each other. Some require a mere “sorry”, such as forgetting someone’s birthday, your child taking some money from the change jar, or a teenager lying to their parents about where they went last night. Those acts are different than someone being raped, beaten up, being murdered or a group of people committing genocide on another group.

Whatever the action, however minor or drastic, we know in our body that something is not right and that our trust in another human has been compromised. At some point we will have to confront and address this pain. For if we don’t, it will stay in our body and mind until we do.

So what does it even mean to forgive someone or ask for forgiveness?

Does it mean that you are accepting what they have done and letting them off the hook for their infliction upon you?

If the person doesn't apologize first can you still forgive them?

Does the perpetrator benefit from your forgiveness even if you do not say it directly to them?

Through the act of forgiving, is the pain from your body finally released?

What about the intergenerational trauma that has been inflicted on your group by another group. How do you forgive a group of people for the harm they have done?

If you are the person apologizing with the hope of forgiveness, do you finally feel atoned for what you have done?

Can all parties whether they are individuals or groups, move on in a better way through life, after going through this forgiving process?

Does it matter if the other person accepts your apology?

So many questions that I am not fully qualified to answer and yet I know intuitively that we as a human species can not ignore the terrible things that we have done to each other anymore. We must make it a societal priority

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I will attempt to answer some of these questions with the hope that I will plant a seed in you to look at unfinished business in your life that could be healed by approaching it with forgiveness.

To start, let’s acknowledge that our actions do matter in finding our way out of suffering, even when we have been victimized or are plagued with guilt. If there is someone in your life you would like to make amends with or someone who has done harm to you, dig deep to find the courage so you can finally move through this pain.

For those that have been victimized it is important to grieve the loss and the hurt before you get to the place where the possibility of forgiveness can occur. The time for griefing can vary depending on the individual, the severity of what happened and the support you have around you.

To support you along the way in this process I have some suggestions that have personally worked for me and have been shared by others who have gone through this difficult path of forgiveness.

If you are the person who has been hurt, how do you get the courage and strength to move through this?

1. Recognize that your life will improve. No matter how horrible, “This to shall pass”

2. Practice empathy for the other person. You do not know their full life story and the circumstances that lead them to doing the harmful act towards you. In some cases, you may have done the same thing.

3. Taking action and going through this healing process will release the power and control the offending person has over your emotional state.

4. Join a support group, see a counselor or therapist. Speaking to another can be the catalyst to give you strength in taking those steps towards forgiveness.

5. Remember this is a process. Healing the hurt can take time, especially if you value the relationship. Realize that forgiving another may lead to reconciliation, though do not have that expectation that this will always be the case.

6. Reflect on other times someone has forgiven you and try to view the situation from their shoes.

What if the person I am forgiving does not change?

It is important to remember that changing the other person is not the primary goal, as you do not have full control over this. Forgiving another changes your life by bringing a sense of peace to you. You will reclaim the power the other person has over you.

What if I am the one looking for forgiveness from another for something I have done to them?

The first step is to acknowledge what you have done and try to place yourself in the other person's position and see how they might be feeling. You could then take the step of reaching out to that person.

If the person is receptive to having contact, speak with sincerity in your acknowledgement of what you have done. If they are open, you can explain what led you to harm them in the way you did. You can share what you were feeling leading up to your transgression. Again you cannot control how the other person may react, but you have taken bold steps to reconcile and heal your offense.

What about the historical acts of aggression from one group to another?

When we are looking at actions done by a group of people, an organization or a country, we can see clearly the extreme harm that has been done. Whether this is the recent genocide in Rwanda, Burma or Germany during World War II. There are so many examples of humans coming together as a group and causing harm on such a scale that the trauma reverberates for generations.

Before we were born the world was already as it was and much hurt has been afflicted. To accept this can allow compassion to enter our being as we sense the pain of the legacy of human history.

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We are 8 billion people on the planet today. Life can be hard as we go about our daily hustle and bustle, bumping into each other and at times causing harm. Yet we all have the power within us to take pause and ask ourselves, can we do better?

Can I forgive my fellow human for the harm they have done to me and can they forgive me for the harm I have done to them?

Forgiveness is powerful. It is messy, it can be hard and difficult and in some instances near impossible for the most heinous acts committed. However it is available to all of us when we have the courage to be vulnerable and walk down its path. If we can rise to it, we will become stronger both individually and as a collective and create better relationships with each other moving forward.

“If you want to see brave, look to those that can return love for hatred. If you want to see heroic, look to those who can forgive.” -Bhagavad Gita